Stupid Pointless Arguments
by Do The Cool Whip
Summary: What started out as a simple movie night, becomes a nightmare for both the yamis and their hikaris. Their arguments lead to a competition that no one wants to compete in, but everyone has "agreed" to.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh

"John, thanks for saving me, I don't know what I'd do without you."

The movie was coming to a close, and the group couldn't be happier. It was movie night at the game shop, and they had picked two names out of a hat. Jounouchi had picked an action packed movie that everyone was excited to see, and Anzu's movie choice… well quite a few people tried to talk her out of it.

"That's two hours of my life I'm never getting back." Malik mumbled angrily. A quiet sniffle was heard over the bored audience, and all eyes whipped to the back of the room to stare at Ryou.

"What?" he said, yawning silently to himself. Another sniffle. Eyes darted around the room, everyone trying to find the crybaby.

"Honda, are you crying?" Jou asked, barely able to hold back his laughter.

"No! I just got something in my eye." Otogi raised an eyebrow at that.

The movie finished, and what should have ended like a normal movie night, became a minor nightmare for the hikaris.

"Women are so weak, they always need someone to save them." Marik was stopped by the remote being tossed at him, courtesy of Anzu.

"I know they're just like hikaris." Ryou glared at Bakura from his position in his lap.

"Well, not even our hikaris are that pathetic." The empty popcorn bowl soared over the room to meet Marik's head this time.

"That's what you think," Bakura ignored the little warning growl that came from Ryou's throat

"Bakura, our hikaris don't need us to protect them from everything that moves." Yami said, finally adding his two cents. Yuugi threw a smirk over at the other hikaris and flashed them the 'V' for victory.

"You're just jealous because my hikari needs me more than your hikari need you." Bakura said with an arrogant smirk, knowing he hit a nerve.

"That's preposterous, Yuugi needs me more than Ryou or Malik will ever need you two."

"No! Malik needs me the most; he wouldn't be able to survive without me!"

"Don't you guys think this argument is a little… pointless?" Ryou asked gently.

"NO!" Unsurprisingly, all three yamis had shouted at him in complete unison. He sighed collecting his stuff, as everyone else did the same, ignoring the pitiful argument.

"Let's have a competition to decide which hikari needs the most protection."

"You do that." Malik said bored.

"And have fun while you're at it." Yuugi continued.

"Just don't expect us to compete." Ryou finished with an innocent smile.

Bakura got up from his spot, and ruthlessly yanked a fistful of Ryou's hair to drag him closer. He whispered something into his ear, and pulled back with a smirk. Ryou let out a little shiver, and looked up at Bakura, eyes half-closed.

"Fine, we'll compete. Just make sure you keep up your end of the bargain."

"Ryou!" Malik shrieked from his spot near the door.

"You have to stop giving into Bakura every time he offers you sex!" Yuugi was sorely tempted to bang his head against a wall at Ryou's lack of control.

"Sorry," he shrugged "it's not my fault he's good at what he does."

"A little too much info, Ryou." Honda said a minor grimace on his face.

"He's right, Ry, You're going give poor virgin Honda nightmares!" Jou said cackling manically. Honda glared at him.

"I am not a virgin!"

"Of course not Honda."

"Damn it, Jou! I'm not!" Otogi watched the banter between the two and made no move to correct Jou. He calmly sat beside Seto and watched as the two had a wrestling match on the floor, as Malik and Yuugi chewed Ryou out about his sexual apetite.

Anzu sighed to herself as she finished packing up. "I'm going now, and before I forget, you guys are the reason I believe all men are idiots."

Seto and Otogi glared at her from their spot on the floor.

"You're also the reasons I'll probably end up a lesbian." She added.

"Because that would be a great loss to the men of this world, right?" Bakura sneered at her before going back to his argument.

Anzu reached into her purse pulled out a rubber ball and whipped it at his head.

"Idiot." She said, as she marched out of the room.

Seto rolled his eyes as Honda and Jou continued to wrestle, before finally standing up.

"I'm leaving, if you want a ride you better stop acting like an idiot and get ready," he stated as Jou and Honda rolled by his feet, "You have five minutes." With that he turned and left the room, Otogi at his heels after a quick good-bye.

"Please," Jou began, "He thinks by telling me he'll leave without me will make me come running after him. But we all know he won't leave in five minutes." Jou casually stretched out on the floor after saying this.

"You can take this risk all you want I need this ride if I want to make curfew." Honda grabbed his bag, and sprinted out of the room.

"Jou, you probably shouldn't risk this." Yuugi advised, though he knew there was no way Jou would listen to reason. He didn't bother waiting for a response as he continued lecturing Ryou.

Jou casually waved him off, and sure enough, five minutes later a car's engine cut through the arguments going on around him.

"Shit! That bastard is actually going to leave without me!" Jou jumped up, grabbed his stuff and ran out of the room, without saying anything to his friends.

"Will you guys stop patronizing me!" Ryou finally snapped at them. "You guys wouldn't be able to hold out on these offers, if your yamis were even half as good as Bakura is in bed!"

A choked sound came from Yami on the other side of the room.

"What are you talking about? Yami is way better in than Bakura!"

Bakura glared at Yuugi from where he was sitting.

"That's nice and all, but Marik is the best and he's the biggest!"

Marik sent the other two yamis a superior smirk.

"Let's have a competition to decide which yami is best in bed."

"NO!" the yamis cried out simultaneously.

The hikaris glared at them.

"You don't have a choice." Malik began.

"We'll prove who has the best yami." Yuugi continued.

"Once and for all." Ryou finished

What should have ended like a normal movie night became a major nightmare for both the hikaris and their yamis.

**TBC**

So, this is the prologue for an idea that has been bugging me for a while. If you think I should do it, just leave a review and I'll get right to it.


	2. And It Begins

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh.

"Ryou! Yuugi! Malik! Get your asses down here; we're ready to tell you the rules for the contest!" Bakura's voice rang through the house as he plopped down onto the living room couch.

"Fuck, Bakura! When I said call them down, I figured you'd at least get off your lazy ass and walk to the stairs! Why would you yell in my ears like that?" Yami yelled glaring at him. He shook his head a little hoping the ringing in his ears would stop soon; he had been standing next to Bakura when he decided to yell.

"Well next time, if you want them to come downstairs, do it yourself. You should be grateful I called them down for you, you brat." Bakura sneered back.

Marik was watching the exchange energetically, bouncing up and down in his seat eagerly waiting for a winner to emerge from the argument.

"Finally, it only took you two days to think of how to do this stupid contest." Ryou grumbled as he came downstairs. He glanced over at Bakura sprawled out on the couch, before straddling his hips and smirking down at him.

"It would have gone faster, if you didn't drag him to the nearest bedroom every hour, just because you were horny!" Marik pointed out with a grin.

"You're just saying that because he gets more then you do! Besides it wasn't every hour, it was every 2-3 hours." he muttered the last part under his breath.

"Ryou," Yami started very slowly, "how do you get through school without Bakura?"

"Do you really want to know?"

Yami thought about the question carefully before deciding: no, he really didn't want to know.

Unfortunately, Marik did.

"For starters, I don't think about sex for hours on end in class. But really, I have an arrangement with the janitor to use his closet for the first half of lunch, and half an hour after school."

"That's where you've been all this time? Fucking in a janitor's closet?" Malik asked, staring at Ryou in shock.

"Which janitor?" Yuugi asked looking a little nervous.

"Munochi."

"Oh god! He asked me to get the Windex for him this one time, and it was all slimey. Oh god! I touched your… oh god!"

"Bakura! You said you'd cleaned that up! I can't believe I believed you!"

"Neither can I." Bakura said with a yawn. Ryou gaped at him, mouth hanging wide.

"Close your mouth before I stuff it for you."

"Is that a threat or a promise?"

"It'll be a threat when I fuck you, but you can't beg for anything with a ball gag in your mouth."

Ryou shivered visibly, and began rocking himself on Bakura's lap.

"This is getting way off track! Ryou get off Bakura's lap!" Malik finally exploded.

"No!" Malik nodded at Marik who grinned, before standing up from the loveseat, walking over to the sofa, and ripping Ryou away from Bakura. Malik clamped his hand over Ryou's mouth before he could start to complain. He nodded to Yami who than cleared his throat.

"Now, the contest has been broken into three categories. Each one was selected so that you could all win at least one category—"

"So, it's rigged?" Ryou cut him off, after yanking Malik's hand from his mouth.

"No, not exactly—"

"But you just said—"

"Ryou, shut up!" This time the shout came from Bakura, which surprisingly, made him turn and glare at the source of the outburst.

"Fuck off! I don't have to listen to you!" he sneered. Bakura growled a little, his eyes narrowing.

"You want me to punish you? Fine. Yuugi go upstairs to the linen closet, on the third shelf up there's a belt with metal attached to it. Get it for me."

"Bakura, you're not going to—"

"Just shut up and get it!" Yuugi scrambled off to get the item.

Ryou looked a little excited at the word belt. But when Yuugi came down with said object, he started screaming.

"Bakura, I'm sorry! I won't do it again! I'll behave, promise!"

Yuugi fiddled around with the metal, noticing its strange shape.

"Bakura, what the hell is this?" Yami demanded, if it could replace Ryou's excited gaze, to one of sheer terror then it was an object that shouldn't be taken lightly.

"A chastity belt." Yuugi balked, looking down at the belt. He looked at Ryou, then the belt, and then Bakura. Repeated the head motions twice more, before taking a deep breath, and tossing the belt as far from him as possible.

"What is a chastity belt, exactly?" Marik asked, crossing the room to pick up the chastity belt, while thoroughly analyzing it.

"It prevents you from having sex." Malik stated blankly.

Yami blinked. No wonder Ryou was screaming in horror.

Bakura rolled his eyes, yanking Ryou to the couch before forcing him to sit in his lap. His hand cracked against Ryou's thigh hard, and Ryou immediately became silent. He nodded at Yami.

"Now, the three categories are: Most Helpless Drunk –which we figure Yuugi will win—"

"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" Malik snapped.

"Well, if you're a helpless drunk then you need your yami to protect you when you're drunk, otherwise people will take advantage of you."

Silence.

"That makes absolutely no sense." Malik finally said.

"The second category is: Most Girly, which Malik you have in the bag."

"What the—"

"The more girly a hikari, the more protection they need from sexual predators." Marik cut Malik off cheerfully.

Yuugi sat confused, trying to work out the logic behind these categories.

"Finally, the last category: Worst Fighter, which is pretty self-explanatory. Ryou, you have this one in the bag." Ryou became alert instantaneously at that comment.

"Excuse me? What led you to that conclusion?"

"Whenever one of us is about to get into a fight, you always stop it." Yami said simply. Ryou let out a relieved sigh at his response.

"Now, for tonight's competition we'll throw a party, and get you three as drunk as possible, and gauge your helplessness."

"How exactly do you determine the winner of a bias rigged competition?" Yuugi finally spoke what was on his mind.

"As yamis, we will know who the most helpless hikari really is."

"But—"

Ryou interrupted him, "Just leave it alone, Yuugi, if you think about it too much your IQ will drop substantially."

"Good point."

"As hikaris you know what we must do, right?" Malik asked.

"Do our best to lose this competition, and prove ourselves as the strongest hikari?" Yuugi replied.

"Pretty much."

Ryou suddenly burst into laughter.

"What's so funny?" Marik was hoping for a joke he could really enjoy.

"The fact that you guys are betting that your hikaris will win, while we have every intention of losing."

Marik pouted, "That's not funny."

Yami sighed, "Come on guys; let's go do a beer run."

"Why do you get to call the shots?" Bakura suddenly snapped.

"Why are you so damn annoying?"

"Because you're always bossing us around!"

Yami just groaned.

Five beers and three shots of vodka. That's all it had taken for Malik to get drunk… which had proven to be a very bad thing. Physically, he was fine, mentally he was… different.

"Why do we ponder and fear death? Even great explorers who love to venture into the unknown, fear death?" Yami stared at Malik. That had sounded almost sane, at least compared to the crying fit he had been in five minutes ago.

"Malik, that is a mystery, for it is different for everybody." Malik burst into a fit of laughter.

"You said "mystery"!" Yami stared at him a bit before slowly backing away. Once he was far enough away, he ran to check on Yuugi.

Seven beers, three shots of tequila, and a Pina Colada. Yuugi didn't have mad laughing fits, and he didn't spontaneously burst into tears like Malik did, Yami soon found out.

Malik, who had followed Yami once he calmed down, was standing beside Yami laughing and clapping excitedly. Yuugi, tended to burst into song when he was drunk to explain how he felt.

"Thank you very much!" Bakura smirked a little at Yami who was staring with wide eyes.

Yuugi suddenly stopped bowing to his "audience", glaring at Yami. He screamed in rage, and leapt at him, slamming his fist into the side of his face.

"What so I'm not good enough? Is that why you're not clapping! Well how do you like me now? Huh, Yami? How do you fucking like me now, bitch!" Bakura lost it laughing.

"I think you're great, Yuugi." he wheezed between breaths.

"Thanks, Bakura, you're so sexy, let's go fuck upstairs. Yami, you can stay here since you refuse to clap for me when I perform!" He kicked Yami hard in the shin, before storming over to Bakura and wrapping his arms around him.

Yami slowly slumped to the ground, still trying desperately to comprehend and rationalize what was going on.

Malik was crying again, "That's so sad, I can't believe you and Yuugi broke up! Now Bakura's with Yuugi and Ryou! He gets two hikaris! I want to belong to Bakura too! Why doesn't he want me?"

Bakura never was one to let an opportunity pass him by.

"Of course, I want you Malik, why don't you come over here and join us."

Marik grinned excitedly, "Yay!"

Bakura threw a superior smirk at Yami, before walking out of the room, to go check on Ryou.

Yami stayed on the ground for a few more seconds, before the situation finally made sense. Never again would Yuugi be allowed near alcohol.

Silence reigned for another moment.

"Damnit, Bakura! Give me back my hikari!"

Ten beers, six shots of vodka and another six of tequila, three daiquiris, and a hurricane. Ryou had drank all of that, and Marik still wasn't sure whether or not he was drunk. He was also surprised at how fast Ryou downed these things, and at how adept he was at mixing drinks.

Ryou grabbed another beer from the case, downing it quickly, before pouring himself another shot of tequila. Bakura walked into the room and raised an eyebrow at the scene of Ryou calmly drinking with no problem and without pause. Yami stormed into the room shortly after him, as he arrived he quickly surveyed the room.

Alarm bells went off in his head. "Marik, how much has he drank?"

Ryou hadn't stopped drinking the whole time.

"Thirteen beers, eight shots of vodka, nine shots of tequila, three daiquiris, and a hurricane."

Yami and Bakura gasped.

"And he still not drunk? That's impressive!"

"That's what I thought!"

"Bakura, this is serious? Have you ever heard about alcohol poisoning? Hell, what his liver, the amount of damage that's been done to it by now is probably irreparable! We need to get him to the hospital now, and get his stomache pumped!"

"I think I'm going to enter him in a few drinking contest, he could probably win a shitload of money." Bakura gave Yami's rant the same amount of respect and attention he usually reserved for figures of authority; none.

"Bakura—" Yami started again.

"Shut up! If he didn't care the first time, what makes you think he'd care the next time! Bakura I want to have sex with you! Yami always treats me like I'll break in bed, I bet you're better than him!"

Yami decided to ignore Yuugi for now, and talk about this later when he was sober.

"No! Yami's probably way better than Marik! Marik doesn't even know what foreplay is!"

"They're drunk off their asses, aren't they?" Marik questioned with a grin.

"Yup, and because of this I now have three hikaris." Bakura replied with a smirk, and kissed both of the hikaris attached to him.

"Ryou who do you think is better?" Malik asked.

"Marik," Bakura snarled at his answer, "I need to go to the bathroom."

Everyone blinked.

"Then go." Marik said.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't get up!"

Silence.

"The only reason you're not helping me is because you don't feel anything for me anymore! Fine, Marik, I don't need you anyways." Ryou turned his head to the side.

Bakura saw his opportunity. "I'll help you Ryou." And he did. Bakura, his two attachments, and Ryou walked to the bathroom. Yami and Marik trailing behind; Yami out of concern, Marik in hopes of quality entertainment. Once they arrived, Bakura zipped Ryou down and they ran into another problem.

"I can't aim."

Marik lost it laughing; he fell to the ground clutching his sides.

Bakura just stared at him.

"Please, Bakura." His eyes began to well up with tears. Groaning Bakura grabbed Ryou's penis and aimed for him.

Yami started laughing, enjoying the situation a little more than he should have. Marik had started turning blue from the lack of oxygen, as he was still rolling on the floor laughing.

Ryou let out a relieved sigh as he urinated. Bakura glared at Yami and Marik from his position as the official aimer. When Ryou stopped urinating, they ran across another problem. He was hard.

Yami stopped laughing at the sight of Marik still laughing, and gasping hard for breath.

"Marik, calm down, we're not giving you CPR if you stop breathing because you were too busy laughing." Marik started laughing even harder.

"Ryou, why should I give you a handjob?"

"Because you're the one that got me like this!"

"How so?"

"You touched my dick! How was I supposed to say flaccid?" For a drunk, Ryou's vocabulary wasn't suffering in the least.

"You told me to!"

"And now I'm telling you to jack me off!"

"I refuse."

"Fine! Then I'll just find someone to fuck me!"

"I'll do it!"

"If Yuugi gets to do it, then I want to, too!"

Bakura groaned, before giving into Ryou's demands. He looked back at the other two yamis. Marik was still giggling, but other than that he had calmed down. They locked eyes, and nodded. The votes were in, and the results were unanimous.

Most Helpless Drunk

Winner: Bakura Ryou

Loser: Mouto Yuugi

**TBC**

Alright, so I have the rest of this competition all planned out, but I have absolutely nothing for the next one! I need ideas people! Send them in, so I can figure it out! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Coming up next, The Most Girly Hikari!


	3. For The Prize

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh..

_'My head hurts.'_

That was the thought that ran through Malik's mind as he awoke. Yuugi groaned and rolled over, nuzzling himself into the warm flesh beside him.

Malik moaned at the feeling of a small body cuddled into him. He pulled the bodies on either side of him closer, and snuggled into the firmer one.

Ryou growled at the feeling of someone pulling _his_ pillow away from him. Sitting up, he reached for the knife Bakura kept on the bedside table, intending on stabbing whatever was trying to take something of his.

Bakura grunted at the feeling of someone grabbing his goods. "Damnit, Ryou, I'm not in the mood to fuck you."

Malik blinked. The sound of Bakura's voice and the feel of naked skin caused warning bells to go off in his head. Jerking up, and ignoring the increase in pain the motion caused for his head, Malik stared down at Bakura and Yuugi. He looked over onto the other side of Bakura where Ryou was sitting up, giving Bakura a rather vicious hand job.

"Oh, God! Ryou what are you doing?" He scrambled backwards trying to get away from them, but ended up tumbling over Yuugi on the other side. Glancing at the naked Yuugi, the naked Bakura, and the naked Ryou made a pit of dread drop into his stomach. Glancing down, he realized that he was also naked... Ryou was naked and he was naked. That could only mean one thing...

He screamed.

"What's going on in here?" The door burst open as Yami ran into the room, holding a bowl. Marik started laughing hysterically from his unnoticed position on the bed.

"Malik thinks he fucked Ryou!"

"Damnit, Bakura, how deep did you embed the knife into the side table?" Bakura growled as Ryou gave another vicious tug.

"That's not a knife, that's my cock!"

"Oh my God! Why are we naked!"

"Ryou, as bad as Bakura is, I don't think yanking that off will make him any less of a dick!" Yami threw in as he helped the panicking Yuugi.

"Damnit, Marik, this isn't funny stop laughing!"

"Yami, why am I naked!"

"Because we had a hot foursome, don't you remember, Yuugi?" Ryou lied with a snicker.

Malik started screaming again.

Yuugi almost passed out.

Marik also almost passed out, but because of the lack of air his brain was receiving.

Bakura rolled over and went back to sleep.

Yami wondered which god was laughing at him.

"Shut up." Ryou said after listening to Malik scream for a few more seconds.

He reached over to the blankets that hung from the bed beside him and pulled. Marik flew off the bed, and landed on Bakura, smirking he cuddled with the growling yami. Yuugi calmed down enough for Yami to explain what was going on.

"Well, before I tell you what happened last night, I need to make one thing absolutely clear. Yuugi, you are never allowed near alcohol again."

"Why not?"

"Probably because the selfish prick didn't appreciate the fact that you were rubbing against me for most of the night. Or that you wanted me to fuck you. Or that you think I'm better in bed."

"See, Malik, Yuugi agrees with me." Ryou added his two cents.

"When did I say this? Bakura, did you drug my drinks?" Bakura smirked.

"Who won the stupid competition?" Malik finally spoke.

"Ryou won; and Yuugi lost." Marik grinned happily thinking back to the night before.

"And we ended up naked how?"

"After Bakura gave Ryou a hand job, the four of you came up here to have a foursome, but, Yuugi, in a fit of jealousy, you slammed Malik's head into the side table –while singing your rage– and knocked him out. You tried to do the same to Ryou, but you passed out, and Ryou fell asleep when we were trying to restrain you."

"Why were we curled up together?"

"Bakura sat down between you guys and you clutched onto him and refused to let go."

"What's that burning smell?" Ryou suddenly piped up, interrupting Malik's line of questioning.

"Shit! The pancakes!" Yami dashed out of the room.

Yuugi was shaking still. "I tried to have sex with Bakura?"

"You're the reason my head is pounding!" Yuugi groaned, suddenly noticing how gross he felt.

"I think I'm going to hurl."

"You know where the bathroom is." Ryou stretched a bit before preparing to cuddle with Bakura. Only to encounter one problem: Marik still hadn't moved from his position on Bakura. "Move." He snarled at the problem.

"No." Marik grinned while squirming around on Bakura in an exaggerated attempt to get comfortable. Bakura growled in annoyance at the constant movement.

Sitting up, Ryou grabbed a "non-embedded" knife from an actual side table. Twirling it around in his fingers, he suddenly lunged at Marik and attempted to stab him. Marik managed to fend off the attack and the knife ended up stabbing the ground a few inches from his head.

Bakura irritated from the fighting _on top_ of him, shoved the both of them off of him. When Ryou went for the knife again, Malik had to grab it before any harm could be done to his yami. Bakura decided to intervene, solely so he could get some sleep.

Grabbing Ryou, he pulled him into his chest, where he happily purred and began drifting off to sleep. "I'll give you a tip for the future: Ryou is NOT a morning person, if you bother him enough, he _will_ try to kill you. Keep that in mind."

Marik, now that the threat was over, found it amusing how aggressive, sweet little Ryou, was behind doors.

Malik hoped Bakura would give all his tips before they were needed.

Yuugi wanted to stop paying his respect to the almighty Porcelain God.

Yami just prayed for a way to salvage the pancakes.

After breakfast, Ryou turned back into a decent human being, one who did not wish to destroy everything that moved and made sounds.

Yuugi, had finally stopped vomiting, and was feeling a lot better.

Marik was trying to provoke Ryou, in hopes of another violent reaction.

Yami was cleaning the kitchen, secretly proud that he'd saved the pancakes.

Malik was wondering why he hung out with the people he did.

And Bakura… was still sleeping.

* * *

Eventually though, they all got settled in the living room, to prepare for the next round in the contest. Once again, Yami took the role as the MC.

"Now, as you know, this round is to determine the most girly hikari."

"Yay." Sarcasm oozed from Malik's voice.

"Now to get you motivated, the winner of this round will get a prize." The change in the hikaris' demeanor became noticeable instantaneously.

"What's the prize?" Ryou asked.

"Well, it depends on the winner. Yuugi will get the new 5000 piece puzzle, he's been wanting for a while." Yuugi grinned a little dreaming about the puzzle.

"Malik will get this." Marik grinned, dangling a gold necklace in front of Malik's face. Swinging it back and forth he watched as Malik's eyes followed it completely, never once straying. "You're beginning to get sleepy. Very very sleepy. –"

"Marik!" Marik stopped at Yami's voice, never noticing the way Ryou's eyes focused very hard on the necklace.

"Isn't that mine?" Ryou finally asked.

"Yes." Ryou glared at Marik.

"If you win, you'll get it back, and you'll win something else."

"What's that?"

Bakura whispered in Ryou's ears.

"Deal." Ryou smirked as he shook Bakura's hand.

"Now, now, Ryou, let's not get ahead of ourselves." Malik said.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I'm the most stylish. So it's obvious that I'll win."

"I'm the best at games and contests. That puzzle is as good as mine." Yuugi announced.

"Actually guys, I have the best wardrobe." Malik and Yuugi looked at Ryou, before bursting out into laughter. Ryou glared at them coldly.

"Now, you may use any of your accessories, and wear any of the clothes in your closet. The one who can either pass as a girl, or is dressed the sexiest wins."

"Is that it?" Yuugi questioned.

"Yup." And so Malik and Bakura headed to Malik's place; and Marik and Yuugi went over to the game shop. Ryou stormed up the stairs to his room, ready to make Yuugi and Malik eat their words.

* * *

"Ryou, how exactly do you plan on winning this competition? Not to be rude or anything, but you don't have the most… suitable clothes for this round." Yami asked as they walked up the stairs to Ryou's room.

Ryou didn't answer him, he just kept walking until eventually he stood in front of his closet. Opening the closet door, he said to Yami, "Now, Yami, this is my closet."

Yami raised an eyebrow at him, "Obviously."

Ryou closed the closet door, and walked over to the picture of him and Bakura on the wall. Taking the picture off the wall, he pushed on the previously covered space and the altered wall popped out of place. Putting his hand through the space, he undid a latch, and he was then able to slide the rest of the wall out of the way.

"But, Yami, this is my wardrobe." Yami stared wide-eyed as he peered into the hidden room and stared astounded at the amount of clothes that lay in there. Crouching they entered the room, and Yami blinked in surprise at the amount of space the room had. "This, Yami is how I plan to win this competition."

"You should flatten your hair for this." Marik said.

"I should?" Yuugi blinked up at Marik.

"Yeah, spikey hair just isn't sexy." Yuugi stared at Marik, eyes roving up to his hair, then back down to his face.

"Marik."

"Yes?"

"Your hair is spikey."

"So?"

"Nevermind."

"You shouldn't wear loose clothes."

"Why?"

"Because loose clothes aren't sexy." Once again, Yuugi stared at Marik, trying to find a single piece of tight-fitting clothing, only to come up empty.

"Marik, you're wearing loose clothing."

"So?" Yuugi sighed and shook his head.

"You should…"

Yuugi groaned, it was going to be a long two-and a half hours.

* * *

"Do these jeans make my butt look big?"

"Yes." Bakura didn't bother glancing at Malik to answer the question.

"Does this shirt make me look fat?"

"Yes." Bakura flipped to another page in the magazine he was looking at.

"Does my hair need more glitter?"

"Yes." He carefully analyzed a Swiss Army Knife advertisement.

"Are you listening to me?"

"Yes." He flipped to another page.

"If I was hot, horny, and desperate, would you fuck me?"

"Yes." He put the magazine down and decided to check what was on television.

"Can I pour a cup of boiling coffee over your head?"

"No."

"So you were listening."

"N—Yes."

"Damnit, Bakura, help me out here! I need an honest opinion."

"You're a sl—you look very nice."

"What were you going to call me?" Malik's voice sounded strangely dangerous.

* * *

The yamis were all gathered around Ryou's living room, and talking civilly among themselves.

"Yeah, you can go fuck yourself!" Bakura yelled at Yami.

"You're just mad because I'm right."

"Like hell I am! I know Ryou better than you, and he doesn't have a secret wardrobe!"

Marik grinned, watching the two fight was one of his favourite past-times, not including the other things he liked to indulge in, but wasn't allowed to, so he did it in an abandon warehouse.

"Are you children done, yet?" Yuugi asked as he popped his head downstairs.

"Yes, you can come down now, Yuugi." Yuugi nodded before walking out into full view. Yami gasped in surprise at the sight he made.

His normally spikey hair had been flattened down, and his normal blond bangs had streaks of red and black running through them. He had outlined his eyes in black kohl at Marik's… insistence. Tight clothes, which surprisingly weren't made from leather, adorned his body; thus showing off his small figure. Apart from his trademark Millennium Puzzle and choker, he wasn't wearing any accessories, and with a pair of regular black converses, he completed the look. He walked into the center of the room, slowly turned around, before exiting the room.

Moments later, Malik came down, and Marik smirked in approval.

His hair was pulled into a high ponytail, and swayed from side to side as he walked. His bright eyes were done in their normal fashion, and his lips were lightly coated in a pink lipstick. His blue shirt was in his customary abdomen exposing fashion, but instead of it being a short shirt, he had taken a regular sized one and tied it at his side. The Millennium Rod was stuck through a belt loop in his tight, black, short shorts. With gold bangles dressing his wrists and ankles, he strutted into his room, his black slippers not making a sound. He slowly turned with a sway of his hips, winked at the guys and left the room.

Finally, Ryou came downstairs, and Bakura's breath got caught in his throat.

His normally straight silver hair had been curled and framed his face in large ringlets. His bright green eyes were outlined in liquid black eyeliner, and his lips were coated with strawberry flavoured lip gloss. He had a black ribbon tied around his neck, and he twirled the ribbon in one hand that was covered by a black wrist long fingerless mesh glove on his left hand. The other hand pulled teasingly at the short dress he was wearing, the black elbow length mesh glove, not contrasting with the dark blue colour of the dress. The Millennium Ring wasn't around his neck, but instead it had been tied around his waist, the large pendent practically stuck to his left hip. A knife was visibly strapped to his right thigh, as well as to the upper part of his left arm. Knee length, heeled leather boots completed the over appearance of his outfit. He entered the room, performed the routine they'd been told then exited.

The yamis sat there stunned at the appearance of all their hikaris, before settling down to calculate the results. "I told you Ryou had a secret wardrobe." Yami couldn't help but rub it in a little.

"Damnit, Yami, shut the hell up!"

"Sounds like trouble in paradise, what's wrong Bakura? Did Ryou keep a secret from you?" Marik threw in.

Bakura lunged at him, the results would have to wait. He would show them "trouble in paradise".

**TBC**

So, this is up now, and feel free to vote for who you think won the contest. The next chapter will be up… eventually.


	4. Getting Even

Disclaimer: I still don't own YuGiOh!.

* * *

"Before we announce the winner, we have a very important issue to discuss." All eyes turned to Ryou. "Ryou, why do you have a secret wardrobe?" Bakura asked slowly.

"Oh, Bakura don't worry your pretty little head about it."

"Ryou, I'm warning you."

"Or what?"

"I won't touch you for a week."

"Really now?"

"Yes."

"Too bad you can't keep your hands off this," he gestured to himself, "for even ten minutes."

"We'll see about that."

"This should be interesting." Yami muttered to the others.

Ryou smirked at Bakura before crawling out of his lap and into Marik's. Once there he settled himself comfortably and leaned over to his ear and whispered, "If you want to see Malik and Bakura have an ulcer, moan now." And Marik did.

Bakura snarled and launched himself at the two to tear them apart, while Malik launched at Ryou to tear him apart. Luckily, Bakura got there first, and pulled Ryou out of harms way, seconds before Malik could sink his teeth into him.

"And that, Yami, is why you never fuck with a hikari's yami." Yami turned to stare at Yuugi with wide eyes.

"You mean you turn into that snarling mess of jealousy as well?"

"Of course."

Yami nodded, filing the information away for a more appropriate time. _'Note to self: Make Yuugi jealous, could be extremely hot.'_

"Just remember all yamis are punished as well as the perpetrator.

Malik was glaring at Marik, "Fine, if you like Ryou so much then go ahead and fuck him. NO SEX FOR A WEEK!" Marik might have cared if he wasn't laughing so hard.

Yami filed this information away immediately. _'Note to self: It's not worth making Yuugi jealous.'_

"Malik, go get me the chastity belt." Malik smirked at Bakura, nodding his head and rising from his seat.

Ryou yelped in horror, "No! It was just a joke! Honestly! I only have the secret wardrobe because I don't want its magic to wear out!"

That got everybody's attention.

"What magic?"

"You know what I mean, it's kind of like when you get a new weapon. You know, the feel of having it in your hand, and knowing how cool you look with out." Marik and Bakura closed there eyes, imagining that feeling. "I feel really… well, good when I wear those clothes, and I don't want that feeling to die down because I get to used to wearing them."

"Then why didn't you say so?" Bakura asked.

"I didn't want you to make fun of me."

"Hmm. Moving on, the winner of last nights competition was… Ryou." Bakura said.

"What?" Malik and Yuugi cried unanimously.

"The goal was to be the most convincing girl, or the sexiest. Ryou was wearing a short slutty dress, and it was believable."

"I'll be taking my necklace back, thank you very much." Marik shrugged, tossing it over to Ryou, who smirked at Malik.

Malik glared at Ryou.

"Yuugi, was the loser." Bakura continued.

Yuugi sulked and looked at Yami sadly.

"You didn't think I looked sexy?"

"That's not it, Yuugi; it's just that Malik is more girly than you. I thought you deserved to win, so I bought the puzzle. We can complete it together later."

Yuugi smiled cutely at Yami, pecking him on the lips, before turning to smirk at Malik.

"Poor little Malik, he's the only one who hasn't gotten anything out of this round." Ryou teased.

"Yeah, we'll soon you'll have my fist in your face!"

"Enough!" Yami cried, before the two could begin a fist fight. "Save that energy for the next and final round."

"Yay." More enthusiasm poured out of the hikaris' throat.

"There won't be a prize, but because of the nature of the contest, there isn't a need for one." he continued. "In, order to prove who is the worst fighter," Yami paused, "you will need to fight."

"Really now."

"Malik, lose the attitude." Malik rolled his eyes at Yami, but otherwise kept his comments to himself. "Now the main difference between this round and the other two is we will be ignoring the cheating clause."

"Cheating clause?" Yuugi echoed.

"The reason you were paired up with Marik and Bakura was so that I couldn't help you cheat. This time I will be your partner, and you will win, making you the most helpless hikari." Yami declared.

"Umm… yay?"

"That's what you think! Ryou's the most helpless in the room!"

"No Malik is!"

"Moving on!" Malik cried out.

"See! Look at how assertive he is, there is no way he's the most helpless hikari!"

"His assertiveness is how he hides his insecurities."

"That's bullshit and you know it."

"Yami, language!"

"Sorry, Yuugi."

"See, Malik doesn't order me around like that!"

"Ryou's been –Mmph!" Bakura was cut off by Ryou crawling back into his lap, and attaching their lips together.

Yami and Marik stopped to stare at the two.

"And that is how you get your Yami to stop arguing." Ryou stated as he pulled back.

"So, what are we doing for this round?" Malik asked with a yawn.

"We're going to head to Man Hunt." Surprisingly, it was Marik who spoke this time.

"You mean the local fight club downtown?" Ryou asked.

Everyone stared at him.

"There are hot sweaty guys rolling around on the floor, why would I not know where or what it is?"

"No comment." Yami mumbled to himself.

"That's the one! The guys have agreed to fight you one on one, weakest to strongest. Whoever gets the farthest in the competition loses."

"That's so backwards, but since no one wants to win, it makes sense to explain it like that." Ryou chirped.

"So true." Yuugi snickered silently to himself.

"Everyone, grab your partner, and let's head out."

While everyone was leaving the living room, Yami quietly pulled Ryou aside.

"Ryou, that's not the same reason you told me you had secret wardrobe."

"Yami, I'm not going to tell Bakura, a thief, the only reason he didn't know about it was so he couldn't steal any of the shiny items in it."

"Good point."

* * *

Yuugi, surprisingly, managed to beat the first guy. It didn't matter that the only reason he won was because he ducked behind a chair, which the guy ran into causing him wipeout. A win was a win, and he was willing to take it anyway he could.

The next guy though, had a piece of rope. His first thought had been the obvious: what kind of moron chooses a piece of rope for a weapon. Ironically, that piece of rope ended up wrapped around his neck, and almost killed him. Yami had been on the guy in seconds though, and tore him off after a moment or two. But Yuugi learned one valuable thing from the encounter.

"So Yuugi, what did you learn?" Ryou asked teasingly.

"Never fuck with a guy who uses a rope."

"That's what she said!" Marik shrieked with laughter.

Everyone stared at him. Silence reigned for a few minutes.

"Oh! I get it!" Bakura cried as he joined Marik in his laughter.

"What?" Yami asked.

Yuugi sighed before whispering in his ear.

"Oh! That is funny!" Yami roared with laughter.

"It wasn't funny enough to deserve this." Ryou whispered to the other two after a few more minutes of watching them.

Malik and Yuugi could only nod in agreement.

"Will you please present your next contestant." someone called from the audience.

Malik stepped up to the plate.

He managed to get through three guys easily, before he had needed any help from Marik. Backed against a wall with a knife to your throat generally wasn't a good thing, unless you were the one with the knife.

Marik hopped into the scene and took the guy out in a single blow. Grinning, he reached down and pulled the guy back up by his hair.

"Down boy!" Malik called.

Marik blinked before pouting. "But Malik, he hit you."

"Marik." There was a hint of a warning tone in his voice.

"Fine." Grumbling, Marik tossed the guy to the side, while sulking all the way to the edge of the ring.

"Marik got in trouble! Marik got in trouble!" Bakura taunted, a large smirk growing on his face.

"Shut up or I'll tell Ryou."

"Go ahead."

"Ryou! Bakura's being mean to me!"

Ryou looked between the two, before groaning. "Sorry, Marik, but I really want to be fucked tonight, so he's going to get away with it this time."

"But, Ryou!"

"Sorry, Marik."

"I can fuck you!"

"In that case." Ryou began to turn on Bakura.

"Next contestant, please step into the arena." called another voice.

"Wish me luck guys."

Ryou had a very close call during the first round. The guy who had taken himself out for Yuugi, refused to do that again, and Ryou had to resort to a more tactful win (i.e. letting the guy charge at him, side stepping, sticking his foot out and letting him crash into the same chair as before). After that, he seemed unstoppable, taking out guy after guy. Bakura almost passed out, Yami asked for someone to pinch him (which Marik eagerly did) and the list went on.

By the end of it Ryou walked out unscathed, except for a minor bruise on his left rib cage.

"Why are you guys staring at me?"

"Since when could you do that?" Yuugi cried.

"Ummm… since always. That's the reason I don't let you guys fight. Don't get much enjoyment out of it. Prefer to do the fighting myself."

"But, what… and… how… and…"

"You're not making any sense, Yuugi. Didn't you guys notice I don't have a bully problem."

"Well, yeah, but we always assumed that was because of… Bakura."

All eyes turned to Bakura, who was still staring at Ryou with wide eyes.

"Well, I guess it's decided then. The winner of this round is Yuugi, and the loser is Ryou."

"Also," Bakura added, "Ryou is the most helpless hikari."

"What are you talking about! Did you not watch what happened a few moments ago!"

"Clearly Malik is the most helpless hikari! He placed second throughout the whole thing!"

"Ryou won two and lost one! He's the most helpless!"

"No, Yuugi is! After that level of fighting Ryou just displayed, he's proved that he's the strongest hikari!"

"He's the strongest and the most helpless!"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"You both are jealous because Malik is the most perfect!"

"He is not!"

"Oh god. Will they ever SHUT UP?" Malik asked, rubbing his temples.

"Probably not."

Most Helpless Drunk

Winner: Bakura Ryou

Loser: Mouto Yuugi

Most Girly

Winner: Bakura Ryou

Loser: Mouto Yuugi

Worst Fighter

Winner: Mouto Yuugi

Loser: Bakura Ryou

Most Helpless Hikari

Undecided.

* * *

"Do we even care who wins anymore?" Ryou asked.

"Not particularly." Malik mumbled, and Yuugi nodded his head in agreement.

The hikaris sat in a semi-circle around the living room, their yamis off doing… well they really didn't want to know.

"We should get back at them." Yuugi suddenly said.

"I'm listening." Malik said looking at him.

"Their whole competition was degrading, and humiliating. The least we should do is give them a taste of their own medicine."

"In other words, create a bizarre contest that matches theirs?"

"Precisely."

"I'm in."

"So what should we do?"

"Cherry stems." Ryou said.

"What?" Malik stared at him like he had lost his mind.

"You know that myth, that if you can use your tongue to tie a knot in a cherry stem, you have a very _talented_ tongue."

Malik raised an eyebrow. "Is that even possible?"

"Hell if I know, but if it isn't it'll be funny to watch them try."

"Aren't cherry stems poisonous?" Yuugi asked.

"They'd have to chew on a lot of stems, before we had to worry."

"You're hoping that's what happens."

Ryou smiled cutely.

"What other cruel punishment can we inflict on them?" Malik asked.

"Chinese finger traps!" Yuugi cried.

"What?" Malik mumbled.

"We'll give them Chinese finger traps, to see which of them is the most imaginative, and the best with their hands."

"Chinese finger traps have nothing to do with skillful hands." Ryou muttered.

"What they don't know won't hurt them."

"So true."

"The last category is the hard part though. How are we going to get them back for those fights?"

"Stamina." Malik smirked.

"I like that smirk," Ryou said with a large grin of his own, "Continue."

"They can jog around the block a few times, to discover who has the most stamina."

"Why only a few times?" Yuugi asked. "That whole round took us five hours, including travel time."

"We can't make the run for five hours, that's just inhumane." Ryou said sadly.

"So, an hour and half?" Malik asked.

"Sounds good." Yuugi nodded.

"They are so going to regret fucking with us." Ryou declared.

The hikaris shared a round of laughter, before heading off to their own homes.

**TBC**

That is the end of the first competition, which sadly will never have a winner. Oh well. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	5. Cherry Lips

Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh!.

This was beginning to get strangely comforting.

For the past couple of days, the group had been meeting in the living room to discuss each round of: The Most Helpless Hikari competition. But now, that they weren't going to talk about new ways to embarrass and torment the hikaris, it was easier to walk into a meeting with a sly smile on their faces. It was a "secret" pleasure the hikaris had, watching their yamis squirm in their seats.

"This meeting is about to commence." Yuugi announced.

The serious look on his face caused Yami to inadvertently flinch. Malik nodded at Yuugi, carefully hiding his amusement towards Yami's discomfort. Ryou pouted as he followed the rules he and the others had made yesterday.

**Rule Number One: No physical contact of any kind.**

He climbed out of Bakura's lap, and ignored the raised eyebrows that caused. He nodded his head, just the tiniest bit, and Malik took the reigns.

"Now as you already know, we've gathered you here to determine which yami is best in bed."

"Which would be Bakura."

Malik gave Ryou the coldest glare he could muster, before going back to what he was saying. "For the first contest, we'll be using a full proof method to determine which one of you has the most talented tongue."

Marik smirked. "Well that's not fair; Bakura's already gotten a head start."

"What?" Everyone turned to stare at Bakura. Ryou had returned to his former position and the two were playing a rather competitive game of tonsil hockey.

"Ryou!" Yuugi cried in frustration.

Neither Ryou nor Bakura made any acknowledgement of anyone else in the room. They were so wrapped up in each other that Yami, was one hundred percent sure, they had forgotten their bodies' natural craving for oxygen.

Five minutes passed and they seemed to be slowing down, eventually they pulled themselves apart. Ryou smiled seductively at Bakura, licking a line up his neck, his hand dipping dangerously low.

"Ryou!" Malik and Yuugi screamed again.

They watched in annoyance as Ryou jumped out of his skin, and scrambled away from Bakura.

"Remember rule number one?" Malik asked in a low voice.

"Rule number one?" Yami echoed.

"No physical contact of any kind with the contestants, lest the results become bias." Ryou mumbled.

"Are you going to stick to it, or will we have to quarantine you?" Yuugi snarled at him.

Ryou flinched and nervously tried to think of a way out of this. His eyes landed on Bakura. "It's not my fault!" Everyone gave him a blank stare. "He seduced me!" He pointed at Bakura who raised an eyebrow.

"By breathing?" Bakura smirked in amusement.

"Yes." he sniffed. Noticing the angry glares he was still receiving he pouted. "Sorry, it won't happen again." Yuugi and Malik nodded, temporarily satisfied with his answer.

They were about to return to what they had been previously doing when a wet sound stopped them. Whipping back around to face Ryou they twitched at the provocative things Ryou was demonstrating for Bakura, involving both his mouth and his fingers.

"Ryou?" Yami asked staring wide eyed at him.

Ryou snapped to attention, giving the two glaring at him a nervous smile. "Hehehehe, Rule number one is a work in progress." he squeaked while sitting on his hands.

Malik rolled his eyes. "Because it's so hard to keep your hands to yourself."

"Anyways," Yuugi grumbled, "the test is simple. Ryou, if you could kindly tear your mouth away from Bakura's lap—"

"Cock." Marik "corrected" in reference to the way Ryou's head was now resting in Bakura's lap. Malik swiped him over the head and nodded at Yuugi to continue.

"So, Ryou, it's time to give them the demonstration."

Ryou grinned up at Yuugi, "No problem." He skipped away to the kitchen, the yamis staring curiously at his back. When he came back he had three bowls and a garbage bag in hand.

"Mmmm… Cola…" Marik received strange looks for his sudden outburst.

After placing one of the bowls in front of each yami, Ryou snatched a cherry from the bowl in front of Marik. Popping the cherry into his mouth, he made a show of eating the red fruit. Sucking on it and wrapping his tongue around it in hopes of driving his audience insane, as little sounds escaped his throat. Bakura was about ready to toss him on the couch when Malik snapped.

"For the love of all that is good!" He stormed over to Ryou, plucked the cherry from his mouth, and ate the cherry. Spitting the pit into the garbage bag, he handed the stem back to Ryou. "Now, if you'll please get on with it!"

"Obviously somebody wasn't fucked hard enough if…" he trailed off seeing the murderous look in Malik's eyes. He slipped the stem into his mouth and chewed lightly on it before working it with his tongue. Within minutes he had the cherry stem dangling from between his fingers, a perfect knot in the centre of the stem. "Your objective is this. Tie a cherry stem with your tongue."

"Sound easy?" Yuugi asked. The yamis nodded. "Five dollars says you can't do it within ten cherry stems."

"Do you mean ten tries?" Yami asked cautiously.

"No."

"You're on." Bakura smirked.

The yamis glared at each other before grabbing their bowls and looking at their hikaris expectantly.

"On your marks." Malik started.

"Get set." Yuugi continued.

"Go!" Ryou finished.

And the "battle" began.

* * *

Yami was very careful with his cherry stems. Unlike the other two, he didn't want to accidentally destroy one. This was a matter of pride, and whoever used the least amount of cherry stems would be the winner. Chewing gently on the stem, he wondered how Ryou had managed to do this in a few minutes. He began to work the stem around with his tongue, doing his best to tie the knot, when it snapped. Groaning he pulled it out of his mouth and tossed it in the garbage.

It felt like he was never going to get this. They'd been at it for the past hour, give or take, and both he and Bakura had gone through over fifteen cherry stems. Marik had only gone through five, but he had only stared a half hour ago. Who knows why but, Marik had decided to eat all the cherries before joining them, not that he would complain. Not having to eat the cherry stems made his life a lot easier, though he did have to wonder why it took Marik half an hour to eat three bowls of cherries.

After replacing the cherry stem, he began to gently work it with his teeth. Once it had softened a bit, he gently guided it into a loop. He held back his excitement when he almost pushed it through.

"Shit!" The cry came from Bakura, and not only did it cause him to bite his tongue, it also made him bite clean through the cherry stem.

Ryou was at Bakura's side in an instant. "What happened?" Malik and Yuugi growled under their breath; while Bakura gave him a look. "Please, Bakura, tell me."

Rolling his eyes, he responded. "I bit my tongue." Yami gave Bakura a look that would have given even a child a heart attack.

"You yelled because of that?" His tongue throbbed slightly, and he could feel his irritation cause his anger to skyrocket.

"Yeah, so what?" Bakura's eyes narrowed slightly.

"Nothing." Yami paused for a moment. "It's just that I though only little girls screamed for no reason."

Bakura snarled at him. "Excuse me? Care to repeat that?"

"Only little girls cream for no reason." he sneered.

Marik watched the two excitedly, mutilating a cherry stem between his teeth.

Bakura was just about to rise and pummel Yami, when a sudden weight in his lap stopped him. "Move. I have to deal with him."

"And I have to make sure your tongue is still in tact." Ryou replied prying at Bakura's lips.

Bakura's eyes narrowed again. "Ryou." The warning was clear.

"Stick your tongue out." It was also clear how much the warning affected Ryou. When Bakura refused he continued, "Bakura, stick it out, or I won't go down on you for a week."

"As if you could last that long." he snorted back in reply.

Ryou glared at him. "I won't have to."

"Oh?"

"Marik," Marik turned his attention to Ryou. "Do you mind if I go down on you, instead of Bakura?"

"Excuse me?" Malik hissed. "How dare you even suggest such a notion. I'll kill you." he screamed while charging at Ryou.

Yuugi grabbed Malik by the back of his shirt, and nearly lost his arm, effectively stopping him. "Down boy."

Malik turned around to give Yuugi a piece of his mind when a movement caught his attention. He watched as Marik approached.

"Don't feel threatened," he purred. "A little play time with Ryou will be good for you." Malik's jaw dropped low, and his eye began to twitch.

"I'm not having a threesome!" Marik grinned at Malik's explosion.

"That's what you think."

"Ryou! Learn some self-restraint!" Yuugi cried.

Their eyes turned to Ryou and they watched in shock as he attacked Bakura's neck.

"Ryou, what the fuck? !" Bakura growled while pushing him away.

"I knew it! That little bitch left a mark!" For a second, everyone's thoughts mirrored each other. 'What the fuck did I miss?' going through all their minds in complete unison. "No more threesomes, I hate it when people mark my property!" Ryou finished his rant.

"I'm not your property." Bakura snarled, "Besides, weren't you the one who begged me to let the slut share our bed?"

"I didn't think she'd leave a mark!" Ryou argued.

"SHUT UP!" Yami yelled. "The rest of us don't need to hear about your exciting sex life!"

Silence.

The occupants of the room regarded each other, before slowly their gazes shifted over to Yami.

"Yami, what do you mean by 'exciting'?" Yuugi asked.

No response. Yami looked at everything except Yuugi.

"Are you telling us, that you've never had a ménage a trois?" Yuugi asked stupefied.

"You sound like you've had one." Bakura replied, eyebrow raised.

Yuugi flushed and adverted his eyes, looking everywhere but at the other two hikaris in the room. "I… umm… yeah, I kinda did."

"What?" Yami stared at Yuugi, carefully hiding his hurt behind shocked eyes.

"Oh calm down," Ryou yawned, "it was before you two got together."

Yami silently breathed a sigh of relief before something metaphorically whacked him hard over the head. "How would you know that?"

Malik tensed at the question.

"Yuugi's one of my best friends, we tell each other everything."

Slowly Malik released a breath he hadn't known he was holding.

"Oh, and Malik and I were his partners."

Malik's head dropped, he should have known better.

"What do you mean you were his partner?" Bakura snapped.

"What do you care, we weren't in a relationship." Ryou replied.

"So? We were sleeping together."

A chocked sound escaped Malik and Yuugi.

"Ryou, you were sleeping with us and Bakura?" Malik asked for clarity.

"Yup."

"And you don't see anything wrong with that?" Yuugi asked.

"Nope. I wasn't in a committed relationship with anyone, so I really don't understand the problem."

"Yuugi," Yami started, feeling unsure of how to continue. "Were you a virgin when we…" he trailed off.

Yuugi blushed while shaking his head.

"Oh."

"Are you upset?"

"Not really, more shocked. I always thought we'd lost it together."

"Heh, speak for yourself!" Bakura chortled, making eye contact with Marik.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Yami's eyes narrowed.

"Oh nothing, except the fact that," he paused for a second his grin spreading to an impossible length. "You're practically still a virgin!" Marik cried with him. The two collapsed in a pile of laughing limbs from their position.

Yami flushed and glared at them. "I am not virgin!"

"Even... Even… Even his hikari is less innocent them him!" Bakura shrieked clutching his sides in agony.

Marik was laughing so hard that he was having troubling gasping for breath. Stopping for a second so that he could regain it before tormenting Yami some more, he noticed that he was having trouble breathing.

He clutched at his throat as it finally sank in that the now noticeable pain in his throat, might be from the cherry stem he was chew on earlier. He clawed at his throat trying to open it enough to get some air.

Yuugi took one glance at Marik before sprinting to his aid. Standing behind him, he wrapped his hands together and proceeded to perform the Heimlich maneuver.

Malik and the others just watched confused for a moment until suddenly Marik spat something out, and reality sunk in.

"I always knew Marik would die from laughing." Malik stated blankly, before going over to Marik and making sure he was okay.

Yami was about to help as well, when he noticed what Marik had been choking on. "This is impossible!" he cried, picking up the stem.

"What?" Ryou asked squirming in Bakura's lap so he could get a better look.

"He tied it!"

"That's impossible! The secret to this can't be choking on the damn thing; otherwise Ryou wouldn't have been able to do it! He has no gag reflex!" Bakura was ready to go on a rampage

"We'll clearly you are wrong about that." Yami threw the cherry stem into the garbage, holding his rage back.

"Maybe you'll win the next one, Yami." Yuugi patted his back sympathetically.

"I doubt it." Bakura said.

"He's still a virgin after all." Marik finished.

"I AM NOT A VIRGIN!"

_**TBC**_

It's funny because most of this chapter has been written out for the past three weeks or so and I just didn't have the motivation to type it. Hope you enjoyed the chapter, it has 25% more bitching than all of the other chapters!


	6. Setting the Trap

Setting the Trap

"I can't believe Marik managed to do it." Yuugi grumbled.

"I can't believe that Yami and Bakura think the secret to tying cherry stems is to choke on them." Malik sighed.

"I can't believe that Bakura knows that I don't have a gag reflex." Ryou muttered. The other two turned to stare at him in disbelief. "What? Would you rather I say: 'I still can't believe it's not butter'?"

"You're still not over that?" Yuugi asked.

"Hey! In my professional opinion if it looks like butter; and it tastes like butter, than it's butter!"

"Ryou, it's margarine, get over it. How are we going to pull off the Chinese Finger Trap?"

"What do you mean, Malik?" Yuugi cocked an eyebrow in confusion. "We're going to tell them that they can't use brute strength to break them, and sit back and watch them struggle."

"That's it?"

"Well, yeah, unless you have something to add."

"Not really, it just feels like we're not getting back at them."

"Well," Ryou began, "We can give the next round a ridiculous set of rules."

"Sounds good." Malik nodded satisfied.

"Shall we call them in?" They nodded at Yuugi, and so he did just that.

Seconds later the three yamis came barreling into the room. Well, Bakura and Marik came barreling into the room; carrying Yami by his limbs.

"Put me down, you psychotic freaks!"

The hikaris could only stare.

"Take it back, Yami." Bakura grinned.

"Take what back? I didn't do anything!"

"Now, Yami," Marik started, "unless you want something unfortunate to happen, I'd suggest you apologize."

"For what? How am I supposed to apologize when I don't know what the problem is?"

"Maybe you should just apologize for everything."

"Everything?" Yami echoed confused.

"Yeah," Bakura snickered, "you know: living, breathing, being born, etcetera, etcetera. I'm sure you'll hit the nail on the head eventually."

"Fuck you!"

"Now, now, Yami. We can't do anything about your virginity. We're in committed relationships; as are you. You should be ashamed for even suggesting such a notion."

"I'm not a virgin!" he yelled, trying to ignite Bakura with his glare. (1)

"Yeah, and Mai's breast are real." Marik sniggered.

"Mai's breasts are real." Ryou piped up.

Everyone turned to stare at him.

"Ryou, how do you know that?" Bakura growled.

"I know real breasts when I feel them."

"Oh." Everyone turned back to stare at Yami, who was still suspended off the ground.

Silence.

"What? !" It was broken by a unanimous cry.

"When you feel them, don't you mean when you _see_ them?" Yuugi exclaimed.

Ryou just gave them an innocent smile.

Malik sighed as he decided to ignore Ryou, so that his tenuous grip on his sanity didn't slip. "Marik, put Yami down."

"But, Malik, if he doesn't apologize in five minutes, I get to pee on him!"

If Yami could get any paler, he'd be able to redefine the colour white.

"Marik." Malik warned.

"But I want to pee on him!"

In a second, Yami had renewed his efforts to free himself; twisting and turning in an attempt to free his limbs.

"Marik!"

Marik grumbled under his breath, but followed Malik's order regardless. Yami's legs landed with a loud '_thunk!'_ as they hit the ground, and he went still for a few minutes trying to register their position.

Ryou rushed over to Bakura and yanked him into a heated kiss, his hands wandering over the firm body; as a result, Bakura released Yami's arms so he could return the favor.

Yami ran from the scene the second he was free, and several minutes later Ryou and Bakura parted.

"Sit." Malik ordered, pointing at the couch. They watched as Marik slunk over there grumbling the whole time; while Bakura sneered at him before plopping down next to Marik. Yami on the other hand, went as far away from them as he possibly could, but no one could really blame him.

"Now, if you're done threatening Yami with your bodily fluids, we can begin." Yuugi muttered.

Marik opened his mouth to say something, but a sharp glare from Malik caused him to snap it back shut.

"This," he continued, pulling out an object out of his pocket, "is a Chinese finger trap. Your objective is to put it on," he demonstrated, "and then take it off." Malik and Ryou stepped in front of Yuugi to shield him from the yamis' view. "The only rule is that you can't use brute strength or an object to rip or tear it. You only get one, so if you break it, you automatically lose." Malik and Ryou stepped back to the side, revealing Yuugi's freed fingers.

"Don't worry though," Ryou smiled, "it's not nearly as hard as it looks."

The yamis silently sighed in relief.

"It's much harder." Malik smirked.

A single audible gulp was their response.

* * *

"What the fuck is the point of this?" Bakura grumbled to himself.

"To see how original you are, as well as how good with your hands you can be." Ryou chirped.

"Like fuck it is, you're just messing with me."

"No, I'll be messing with you much later… in bed… when I'm going down—""

"Ryou, that's enough!" Malik cut him off.

"Fuck!" Marik cried.

"What?" Yuugi asked him worriedly.

"Ryou distracted me!"

Everyone stared at his ruined test.

"Well, Marik, that means we have to disqualify you."

"That's not fair!" he cried.

"Yes!"

Eyes turned to stare at Yami.

"Huh? Oh I know how to do this." he mumbled to himself and turned around to shield his answer from Bakura.

Bakura snarled as he tried to pull his fingers out of the trap, before a thought occurred to him. Back in ancient Egypt, when he was robbing a tomb, he sometimes came across objects that needed to be moved in order for him to proceed. If an object, like a stone slab, couldn't be pushed odds are that it could be pulled.

And vice versa.

Pushing his fingers in a little, he felt the bamboo loosen slightly, and was able to pull his fingers out a little.

He smirked.

"I got it!" Yami cried.

He snarled.

Yami smirked and waved his Chinese Finger trap at Marik and Bakura.

He lunged.

* * *

"Well, that didn't work as planned." Malik grumbled.

"We did the best we could." Yuugi said.

"This is our last chance to get back at them." Ryou sighed.

"What are we going to do? All this competition is doing is stroking their egos."

"Well, they're supposed to be jogging for the last round, and I think I have an idea." Ryou mumbled.

"Oh?" Malik and Yuugi looked at him intrigued.

"Yep, that'll do it."

"What?" Yuugi asked warily.

"Don't worry guys, just follow my lead."

"Should we be worried?" he whispered to Malik as Ryou called the yamis in.

"Oh, don't worry about this round. We'll get them in the next one." Ryou snickered to them.

"What are you talking about?" Malik slowly backed away from Ryou at the sight of his evil grin, which vanished the second their yamis entered the room.

"Now, this last round will be the hardest. It is to determine your stamina." Ryou stated. "You will be running from here to the museum."

"But the museum is four miles away!" Yami cried.

"So? The rules are simple; first you can't slow down at all. The second you stop, you lose, and that includes stopping at traffic lights."

"So what are we supposed to do? Jog on the spot?" Yami asked wearily.

"Second, you can't stay in the same spot for longer than a second or two at the most."

"This is just barbaric!"

"The third rule is that you have to travel in a straight line, no short cuts."

"The museum isn't a straight line from here!"

"Yuugi, will you please shut him up?"

"You're expectations of me are far too high." Yuugi mumbled as he gently patted Yami on the head.

"Fourth rule, no pivoting."

"I'm starting to see what you're trying to do." Bakura smirked at Ryou.

"On the assumption that all of you make it to the museum, whoever arrives first wins."

"Don't forget , Ryou" Malik grinned, "If you trip or fall for whatever reason, you lose."

"Why?" Yami grumbled.

"Think of it like premature ejaculation." Yuugi snickered.

The three Yami's paled.

* * *

The route was simple. They'd run all the way to the street that the museum was on, turn onto it and run the rest of the way there. Now you could travel off the route, but that wouldn't count distance wise. To make matters worse, Yuugi had given them a time limit at the last minute.

"On your marks." Malik started.

"Get set." Yuugi laughed.

"Go." Ryou grinned as he waved them off before hopping on his bike.

Malik caught up to Marik easily, he would have preferred to take his motorcycle, but then it would have been far too hard to keep track of him, so a bicycle was his only choice.

"Wow, Marik, you're really fast. Can you run any faster?"

"Should you be talking to me?"

"Would I be talking to you in bed?"

"No, only moaning my name."

"Ass!" Malik swiped Marik over the head and watched as he still kept his pace.

Marik may have been sprinting unlike the others, but Malik had a feeling it'd be hard to get him thrown out of the race.

* * *

"So, Yami, how's the race." Yuugi asked, glancing up at the sound of Malik yelling.

"It's fine."

"Oh," Yuugi winced slightly, feeling bad for what he was about to do. But this, he reminded himself, was for all the wrong he'd undergone during the previous few days.

"Yuugi, what's wrong?"

"Noth—ING!" he cried as his bike hit a hole in the sidewalk and braced himself for the impact. He stopped his fall with his elbow, and grunted slight as his head struck the ground.

"Yuugi!" Yami was at his side in a second. Crouching down and gently inspecting him for injury.

"Sorry, Yami."

"For what?"

"You're out, Yami." Ryou called as Bakura "jogged" past him.

"What the hell? Why hasn't he been disqualified yet?" Yami cried.

"He's kept a steady pace, Yami." Yuugi mumbled.

"I could walk faster than that!"

"Marik, the light's red!" The two turned to stare at the two leading the run.

Marik grumbled and glared at Malik as he stopped at the crosswalk, waiting for the traffic signal to change colour.

"Marik, you're out!" Ryou called. Bakura smirked making a left at the traffic light, before making a tight circle and backtracking to the intersection. He continued to do this until the light change, and from there he jumped over Marik's extended leg and later, won the round.

* * *

"Ryou, are you going to explain why we had to rig that round?" Yuugi asked as he pulled off the elbow and knee pads.

"So we could have a tie breaker round."

"Why do we need one of those?" Malik inquired.

"For our revenge. Come on guys, just follow my lead. You will definitely thank me for this."

"You keep saying that." the other two sighed, but Yuugi called the yamis in.

"Now, I'm sure it's obvious to you that the score is completely tied."

"Just get on with it, Ryou." Bakura grumbled.

"Fine. This last round, a tie breaker, is to determine which one if you will go the farthest to please us."

Suddenly, the yamis could sense danger.

"For this round, we'll be doing karaoke."

"What! ?" they exploded.

Malik and Yuugi almost burst into laughter. Ryou had been right, revenge was sweet.

"Bakura, you have one day to find a love song to sing for me."

"Excuse me? !"

"If the phrase: 'I love you' isn't in the song, you'll be disqualified."

"The hell is this? ! I always please you."

"Then you won't have a problem with this."

"Yami, you will be…" Ryou trailed off, looking at Yuugi.

"Singing a sex song."

"Yuugi!" Yami gaped at him, a slight blush forming on his face.

"The song can not be a love song; otherwise we'll disqualify you."

"Yuugi—"

"And as for you, Marik," Malik smirked, "You'll be singing about..."

**TBC**

I'll stop there, so there's only one chapter left. Please send in song suggestions for the yamis… and a theme for Marik. Hope you enjoyed the chapter.

I was writing this in class, and a substitute was reading over my shoulder… she thinks it was a movie critique. And has anyone noticed my obsession with mocking virgins… is my subconscious trying to tell me something?


	7. Bakura's One True Weakness

Bakura's One True Weakness

"Can I go last?" Marik asked. He bounced lightly on his heels as he grinned psychotically at the hikaris.

"Umm… Yes?" Ryou answered cautiously. Slowly, he began to back away from Marik as he started cackling.

"I'm going second." Bakura declared, as he raised an eyebrow in amusement as Ryou ducked behind him, never taking his eyes off the cackling Marik.

Warily, Yami pushed Yuugi behind himself, and slowly made his way to Bakura, before hiding behind him.

Marik continued to laugh.

Malik slapped him upside the head.

"Why?" Yami asked, peeking out from behind Bakura.

"Honestly, I have no idea." Malik sighed. "He's been like this ever since he picked out his song."

"What did he pick?" Everyone turned to stare at Yuugi.

"Yuugi, they weren't supposed to tell us that."

Yuugi paled slightly, "I mean what was the song about?"

"Nice save." Ryou mumbled quietly to himself.

"Well, he's supposed to pick a song that helps explain what goes on in that insane head of his. An introduction of sorts, so that I'll be able to handle him better." Malik yawned.

"Okay." Yuugi muttered, staring at Marik whose huge grin was beginning to creep him out. "Yami, it's time to show us what you got."

"What? Why me?"

"Because Bakura and Marik already claimed the second and third spots."

"When was this?"

"When you were hiding your chicken ass behind me." Bakura piped up.

"But—but—"

"No 'buts'!" Yuugi cried and shoved Yami to the centre of the living room.

Yami groaned as he walked over to the CD player in the corner of the room and put his CD inside. Selecting his track, he took a deep breath as the song started.

"_Ha ha! We'll now; we call this the act of mating. But, there are several other very important differences between human beings and animals that you should know about."_

A heavy beat filled the room, and Ryou fell out of his seat in shock.

"No, he's not…" The others stared at him in confusion.

"_I'd appreciate your input."_

"He is." Ryou grinned.

"_Sweat, baby, sweat, baby  
Sex is a Texas drought  
Me and you do the kind of stuff  
Only Prince would sing about" _Yami began. He slowly crept his way to the sitting Bakura.

"_So put your hands  
Down my pants and  
I'll bet you'll feel nuts."_ With another smooth step forward, Bakura ended up reeling back in disgust and dry heaving as Yami performed a crotch grab in his face.

"_Yes I'm siscko  
Yes I'm Ebert  
And you're getting two thumbs up."_ Marik fell off the couch laughing at the repulsed look on Bakura's face.

"_You've had enough of  
Two hand touch,"_ Yami carefully placed two hands on either side of Malik's head.

"_You want it rough,  
You're out of bounds."_ Leaning forward, he made sure to purr his next words into the shocked Malik's ear.

"_I want you smothered,  
Want you covered,  
Like my waffle house hash browns,"_ he finished by blowing a bit of warm air over Malik's ear.

"_Coming quicker than FedEx.  
Never reaching apex.  
Just like Coca Cola stocks  
You are inclined to  
Make me rise an hour early  
Just Like Daylight Saving Time._

"_Do it now!  
You and me baby  
Ain't nothing but mammals  
So let's do it like they do  
On the discovery channel._

"_Do it again now.  
You and me baby  
Ain't nothing but mammals  
So let's do it like they do  
On the discovery channel._

"_Getting Horny now!"_ Yami beckoned the entranced Yuugi over with his finger.

Yuugi approached Yami in a daze, a noticeable bulge in his pants appearing as he stared at Yami.

Taking his time, Yami swayed his body in preparation for the next part of the song.

"_Love, the kind you clean  
Up with the mop and bucket  
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt  
Only God knows where we stuck it._

"_Hieroglyphics  
Let me be specific." _Yami forced Yuugi to turn around so they could grind front to back.

"_I wanna be down in your south seas  
But I got this notion that the motion  
Of your ocean means: Small Craft Advisory"_ he turned Yuugi back around and shoved him onto the couch.

"_So if I capsize  
On your thighs,"_ he yanked Yuugi's thighs apart.

"_High tide, B5  
You sunk my battleship.  
Please turn me on I'm  
Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip."_ After letting his hands slide over Yuugi's body several times, Yami crawled his way over to Ryou.

"_So show me yours  
I'll show you mine."_ He leered, tugging suggestively at Ryou's waist band. Ryou gave him a flirtatious smile and spread his legs so that Yami could fit between them. They both ignored the possessive growls Bakura let escape.

"_Tool Time.  
You'll love it just like Lyle,"_ he grabbed Ryou and flipped their position with a smooth motion.

"_And then we'll do it doggy style  
So we can both watch X-Files." _Yami smirked as he made his way back to the centre of the stage and went back to swaying to the music.

"_Do it now!  
You and me baby  
Ain't nothing but mammals  
So let's do it like they do  
On the discovery channel._

"_Do it again now.  
You and me baby  
Ain't nothing but mammals  
So let's do it like they do  
On the discovery channel._

"_Getting Horny now!_

"_You and me baby  
Ain't nothing but mammals  
So let's do it like they do  
On the discovery channel._

"_Do it again now.  
You and me baby  
Ain't nothing but mammals  
So let's do it like they do  
On the discovery channel._

""_Do it now!  
You and me baby  
Ain't nothing but mammals  
So let's do it like they do  
On the discovery channel._

"_Do it again now.  
You and me baby  
Ain't nothing but mammals  
So let's do it like they do  
On the discovery channel._

"_Getting Horny now!"_

Yuugi sat there staring blankly ahead as the song ended.

"The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang, not a bad choice." Malik commented.

"Bakura," Ryou started. "Ready to go?"

"Do you honestly care?"

"Yes?"

"Yuugi, what did you think of my performance?" Yami asked as Bakura rose to set up.

No reply.

"Yuugi?"

Silence answered.

"Yuugi? Yuugi what's wrong with—gah!"

"Intermission time!" Yuugi cried out as he dragged Yami up the stairs.

Malik blinked in confusion, which rapidly dissipated at the noise that emitted from upstairs.

Marik burst into laughter, while Ryou began to twitch.

"YOU'D BETTER NOT BE FUCKING IN MY BED!" Ryou screamed.

Marik's laughter was his only response.

* * *

"Well, now that we've taken a TWO HOUR," Ryou tossed a glare at Yuugi, "intermission. I believe it's time for us to move on. Bakura, time to shake what your mama gave you!"

"Why?" Malik asked staring at Ryou. "Just why?"

"Because I want him to shake his –"

"Okay, moving on!" Yuugi interrupted Ryou.

"Yeah, we don't want to scar poor Yami's virgin mind!" Marik cackled.

"Damnit! I'm not a virgin!"

"Shut up!" Bakura cried, as he hit play on the CD player.

"_Huh! My—my—my—my—my heart heart!  
My—my heart heart! My—my heart heart!"_

"No fucking way." Malik said blankly. The others could only nod there heads in agreement.

"_My heart booms at the speed of light  
But the exit signs always on my mind  
Always in my sight_

"_I could say that I really want to stay  
But the devil inside always win the fight  
Always gets his way"_ The performance was different from Yami's because Bakura didn't feel the need to dance, or directly involve them. However, when he made eye contact…

"_Jump out the window gotta get  
Out on the highway  
When things are getting to attached  
I need an escape  
I'm seeing stars and there is nothing  
More that I hate, baby_

"_There's something that I gotta say."_ When Malik made eye contact with Bakura, he honestly thought Bakura was singing for him.

"_It's disgusting; how I love you  
God I hate me; I could kill you!"_ Bakura pulled out a dagger and tossed it at Yami. The weapon piercing the wall a few measly millimeters from his head. So much for not involving the audience.

"_Cause you're messing up my name.  
Gotta walk my talk, my fame  
But I just want to touch your face  
It's disgusting!_

"_It's disgusting; how you changed me.  
From a bandit to a baby.  
Think I might got to change my name  
If I'm going to walk this walk of shame  
Look at what you do to me,  
It's disgusting!"_ Malik let out a gasp as Bakura finally broke their staring contest. He was shocked when he noticed Marik was snickering at what just happened. Something in Bakura's gaze had him mesmerized.

"_My mind blinks like a traffic light,  
It's green and red, it's stop and go  
Changing all the time_

"_And it makes me scared that  
I haven't loved that I'm still right here  
More—or—or—or less!_

"_Jump out of traffic  
Yeah, I got to go my own way.  
When my head is slipping  
Too intense, I need an escape  
I'm seeing stars and there is nothing  
More that I hate, baby_

"_There's something that I gotta say!"_ Yuugi's mind went blank this time when Bakura's gaze locked with his own.  
"_It's disgusting; how I love you  
God I hate me; I could kill you!"_ Bakura pulled out another dagger and tossed it at Yami. This time the weapon pierced the floor a few measly millimeters away from his foot.

"_Cause you're messing up my name.  
Gotta walk my talk, my fame  
But I just want to touch your face  
It's disgusting!_

"_It's disgusting; how you changed me  
From a bandit to a baby.  
Think I might got to change my name  
If I'm going to walk this walk of shame  
Look at what you do to me,  
It's disgusting!" _Breaking his intense stare once more, Bakura was highly amused at the audible gasp Yuugi let out.

"_My—my—my—my—my heart heart!  
My—my heart heart! My—my heart heart!_

"_My—my—my—my—my heart heart!  
My—my heart heart! My—my heart heart!_

"_Chapter by chapter, I'm falling  
Faster and faster becoming  
Manic and magic it's so romantic  
I panic. Oh!_

"_Hit the eject button but!  
It must be stuck something's up!  
What did you slip into my drink?_

"_Baby!" _Ryou blinked when Bakura turned his sharp gaze on him.

"He only looks at me like that when…" he mumbled quietly to himself.

"_It's disgusting; how I love you  
God I hate me; I could kill you!"_ Bakura pulled out a third dagger and tossed it at Yami. This time the weapon pierced the couch a few measly millimeters away from his crotch. Had Yami been sitting even an inch closer to the edge, he would have become Yuugi's girlfriend.

"Damnit, Bakura!" he cried in anger.

"_Cause you're messing up my name.  
Gotta walk my talk, my fame  
But I just want to touch your face  
It's disgusting!_

"_It's disgusting; how you changed me  
From a bandit to a baby.  
Think I might got to change my name  
If I'm going to walk this walk of shame  
Look at what you do to me,  
It's disgusting!"_ Ryou lunged at Bakura, effectively ending the mesmerizing stare.

"Ryou! The song's not over yet!" Yuugi cried.

"Don't care." He yanked Bakura's shirt off his head. Bakura snarled and flipped them over.

"You can't do that in front of us!"

Ryou pushed Bakura away and turned to glare at Yuugi. "My house, my living room. I will fuck where I want. Got a problem? Then you can fuck off!"

Yuugi gaped at Ryou in shock.

Marik burst into laughter once more. "Damn, and I tried so hard to get a rise out of him a few days ago. Why didn't I try to interfere with his fuck sessions?" He managed to wheeze between bouts of laughter.

"I can't believe Ryou was turned on by this song." Yuugi grumbled as he started heading upstairs, Yami close behind him.

"Disgusting by Kesha," Malik pondered, "that's a pretty good choice for Bakura. Very in character."

"Marik, I'll fucking kill you!" Malik sighed as he rose from the couch and pinched Marik's ear and dragged him upstairs, away from the seething Ryou.

"Don't bother him while he's fucking, Marik."

* * *

"And we've saved the best for last!" Marik exclaimed with a wide grin.

"Whatever." Bakura snorted.

"Mmm, I love when you make that sound." Ryou purred, rubbing his finger up and down Bakura's chest.

Malik looked at the two curled up on one end of the couch. "Are you ever NOT horny?"

"Yes?"

"Liar." Yuugi mumbled. "Well, Marik, we're ready when you are."

"I know." He walked over to the stereo, and popped his CD in.

"Wait!" Malik cried. He pulled out a notebook and pen.

"Why?" Yami asked.

"Well, his song is supposed to offer insight, so I might as well jot it down so I don't forget anything."

They all stared at Malik for a moment.

"What?"

Nobody answered, and so Marik hit the play button.

The second the music started playing, Yuugi shook his head. "No! No! Nononononono!"

The grin Marik gave him said it all.

"_I'm good at wasting time  
I think lyrics need to rhyme"_ Ryou blinked in confusion as a tremor went through Bakura's body.

"_And you're not asking  
But I'm trying to grow a moustache."_

"Yuugi, what is this?" Ryou whispered as another tremor raced through Bakura's body.

"Introducing Me by Nick Jonas."

Ryou didn't know how to reply to that, so he kept his mouth shut.

"_I eat cheese, but only on pizza please  
And sometimes on a homemade quesadilla  
Otherwise it smells like feet to me."_

"True, true," Malik muttered to himself as he carefully jotted down notes.

"_And I, I really like it when the moon  
Looks like a toenail  
And I love you when you say my name!"_ This time Bakura jerked erratically.

"What's wrong?" Ryou whispered at the pained look on his face.

"_If you wanna know, here it goes  
Gonna tell you this  
The part of me that'll show  
If you're close gonna let you see  
Everything  
But remember that you asked for it_

"_I'll try to do my best to impress  
But it's easier to let you take a guess  
At the rest  
But you wanna hear what lives in my brain and  
My heart, will you ask for it? For your perusing  
At times confusing, slightly amusing  
Introducng me!_

"_Doo doo, doo doo doo doo do  
Doo doo, doo doo doo doo do,_

_La la la da,  
La la la la la la la la, da!" _Bakura was permanently shaking now, it had gotten to the point were now Yuugi was concerned as well. Yami was engrossed in the music, swaying slightly, whereas Malik was absorbed by his note taking.

"_I never trust a dog to watch my food  
And I like to use the word 'dude'  
As a noun, or an adverb, or an adjective"_

"That's not true." Malik mumbled.

"_And I, I've never really been into cars  
I like really cool guitars and superheroes  
And checks with lots of zeros on 'em"_

"I never knew that."

"Bakura, are you in pain?" Ryou whimpered as he crawled off the man.

"_I love the sound of violins  
And making someone smile!"_

"Interesting." Malik murmured.

"_If you wanna know, here it goes  
Gonna tell you this  
The part of me that'll show  
If you're close gonna let you see  
Everything  
But remember that you asked for it_

"_I'll try to do my best to impress  
But it's easier to let you take a guess  
At the rest  
But you wanna hear what lives in my brain  
My heart, will you ask for it? For your perusing  
At times confusing, possibly amusing  
Introducng me!"_

"Bakura!" Ryou cried, as the male gave a final shudder and stopped moving.

He pulled him off the couch and laid him on the floor. Immediately his hands began looking for a pulse, with Yuugi close at his side.

"_Well, you probably know more  
Than you ever wanted to  
So be careful when you ask next time!"_

Yami stood up from the couch and walked over to the stereo. He started doing a little jig over in the corner when someone called his name.

"Yami, what can you possibly like about this music? It's killing Bakura! Do something!" Ryou screamed at him.

"Oh no." he said sarcastically, and turned up the music and went back to his dance.

"Yami!" Yuugi cried, but he was drowned out by the music.

"_So, if you wanna know, here it goes  
Gonna tell you this  
The part of me that'll show  
If you're close gonna let you see  
Everything  
But remember that you asked for it_

"_I'll try to do my best to impress  
But it's easier to let you take a guess  
At the rest  
But you wanna hear what lives in my brain  
My heart, will you ask for it? For your perusing  
At times confusing, hopefully amusing  
Introducng me!"_

"_Doo doo, doo doo doo doo do  
Doo doo, doo doo doo doo do,  
Doo doo doo doo_

"_Introducing me!"_

Marik finished by throwing his arms up in the air.

"That was a good choice, Marik!" Malik applauded.

"It was a horrible choice!" Ryou cried.

"Was not! I picked it just for Bakura! It was amazing, right, Bakura?"

They turned their eyes to the motionless Bakura laying on the floor.

"What happened to Bakura?" Malik asked.

"Nick Jonas killed him!" Ryou cried.

"I thought it was a good song." Yami shrugged. Suddenly he sensed danger, and turned to look at the glaring Ryou.

He made a run for it.

**TBC**

Nobody ask why Marik is singing what he's singing. Just accept it.

Anyways, cinnamuffin, you said that I would see the greatest stick figure ever in that video. I was like, I doubt it, because I draw amazing stick figures. Then I saw it… It was the most badass stick figure I have ever seen. One glance at it, and I was enlightened. I will always remember it.

Lastly, good news! There's only one more chapter to go! And don't worry, Bakura's not actually dead… and I have no idea what was wrong with him either. But that scene was inspired by a real life situation, so if you actually care, feel free to drop me a line! Which you should do anyways… Reviews make me happy.

Hope you enjoyed the chapter!

On a side note. has some irritating habits. I uploaded this chapter, and realized it automaically double space all of the lyrics, so I had to manually change them back to how they originally were. I'm twitching in frustration right now!


	8. Epilogue: Some Things Never Change

Epilogue: Some Things Never Change

"Revenge may be sweet, but your blood is so much sweeter!" A scream bounced off of the bedroom walls as the movie ended.

"Well," Bakura drawled, "that's what she gets for being a slut."

"It's not her fault, Bakura." Marik piped up. "All women are sluts."

_BAM!_ Marik wailed in agony as he clutched his heads. "I am definitely not a slut, so rephrase what you just said." Anzu snarled as she waved the baseball bat threateningly at Marik.

"Okay." He whimpered. "All attractive women are slu—" Anzu let out a cry of rage as she raised the bat above her head.

"Anzu, no!" Yuugi shrieked as he jumped to his feet and pried the bat from her fingers. "This is my new bat for the game we're creating tomorrow! You can't get blood on it!"

"That's what you're worried about?" Marik yelped.

"Well," Bakura said, "it is made of wood and not metal. It'll take a lot longer to get the blood off of it, and you don't really want it to stain. Because than someone will notice it and it will take forever to get rid of the police, but if they can't find a body, they're bound to leave you alone eventually."

They all stopped to stare at him and slowly scooted an inch away from him.

"Bakura, do you by any chance happen to know what happened to the wooden bat I had a while ago?" Ryou growled.

"Until you can produce a body, the answer is 'no'."

"I borrowed that bat from Jou!"

"What the hell did you do to my bat, Bakura!" Jou yelled as he scrambled to his feet to shook his fist at Bakura.

"I don't see a body." He shrugged.

"You know," Yami finally spoke, "ever since you miraculously recovered from Marik's song you've been acting strangely, even for you."

"That's because I'm exhausted." he snarled. "Ever since that day, Ryou's been convinced that I'm going to keel over any second now, and has been demanding an unreasonable amount of sex. Even for him… Right now he's acting more sex-depraved than any woman." Looking over at Anzu he continued. "I mean he's been acting more sex-depraved than any attractive woman."

"Damn it, Bakura! You're not funny!" Anzu shrieked as she tried to yank the bat out of Yuugi's hands.

"Bakura, stop antagonizing Anzu, because I have no idea what we'll do with your body once she kills you."

"I know what we can do with it!" Marik chirped.

Everyone scooted an inch away from him.

"I have not been acting like a sex-depraved slut!" Ryou cried.

"Bullshit." Bakura stated as he rolled his eyes. "It's times like these that I wish I had one of your hikari's because they're so much easier to please."

"They are not!" Marik yelled. "Malik takes forever to cum."

"Whoa! Too much information!" Honda cried.

"That's because you suck in bed." Ryou yawned.

"How would you know that?" Yami asked.

"Because Bakura is the best."

"Didn't you guys already have a contest to settle this?" Seto scowled at them.

"Not really." Malik groaned. "At the last minute we decided to get revenge and changed the contest to get back at them. Didn't really work though."

"You did what?" Yami blinked in astonishment as he turned to regard Yuugi. "You mean it was all a farce?"

"Malik!" Yuugi screamed, "Was it necessary to tell them that?"

"No." Ryou grunted. "Though if we had actually had a contest to determine the best lover, Bakura would have won."

"No. He would have lost! Marik is the best in bed."

"Guys, can we stop this?" Yuugi sighed.

"Shut up, Yuugi, you're only saying that because Yami isn't nearly as good as Bakura in the sack."

"That's because Yami is a hundred times better than Bakura!" Yuugi screamed.

"He is not! Yami is still practically a virgin!"

"Oh God, not this again." Otogi sighed as he averted his eyes from the battling hikari to the enraged yami.

"No, Yuugi gives the best head!"

"He does not!"

"Ryou gives the best head because he doesn't have a gag reflex!"

"Besides, what do you know about good head? You're still a virgin!"

"I am not a virgin!" Yami screamed at Marik as he jumped to his feet.

"Well, why don't we have a competition to decide this? !" Ryou and Bakura screamed in unison.

"That's it, I'm leaving." Seto grunted as he began to walk out of the room, Anzu and Honda right on his heels.

Otogi shook his head as he held the door open for Jounouchi. "Unbelievable."

"Yeah," Jou snickered as he walked over to him. "They always do this." A car engine could be heard over the ongoing arguments. "Damn it, Kaiba! Wait for me!"

Otogi rolled his eyes as he closed the door behind him and raced after Katsuya. "Some things never change."

**TBC?**

And that's the end folks! It feels good to finally be finished this, though it seems to me like it's screaming for a sequel… I barely managed to finish this and it took me an unreasonable amount of time to do so; therefore I don't think I'll be doing a sequel any time soon. I hope you enjoyed reading this, and I'm very excited to say that my first multi-chapter fic is finally finished! WOOHOO!

Thanks for sticking by and reading all of the chapters, I really appreciate it. SO if you want to drop me a review to criticize my writing skills so that when I come back to edit and fix all the mistakes, I can improve this that would make me really happy!

Thanks everyone, and I hope you enjoyed the fic… I already said that, didn't I? Oh well. XD


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